Saturday, 30 January 2016

Breaking Up is Hard to Do, But Possible

When I was single, I became involved in a relationship that lasted about eight years. In the eyes of the world, my boyfriend was a pretty good guy. I readily admit he didn’t leave me much to complain about; he treated me like a queen most of the time. I found our being together easily justifiable. Nevertheless, soon after becoming officially engaged to him, doubt crept into my heart. God began confirming he wasn’t the man for me. Eventually, I found myself craving God’s better plan for my life and tried to break up. However, breaking up, as the song goes, is hard to do!

I’ve reminisced with numerous singles caught in the same mess. They are with their boyfriend or girlfriend because they feel stuck not because they truly want to be. They’ve tried to walk away only to return boomerang style. I understand the seemingly endless cycle. It went something like this: feel conviction, break up, return to his pleading heart, crave God’s better plan, break up, return and apologize to him for ever having left in the first place, begin to doubt, break up…You get the picture.

Are you a Christian who truly craves God’s awesome plans for your life, especially in regards to marriage, but right now you don’t feel you’re capable of making the break? Maybe you’ve already tried severing ties and failed. Perhaps you’re just about ready to throw your hands in the air and settle. Don’t! Simply admitting you need to abandon the relationship is a huge accomplishment! Congratulations! I call the seed of desire in your heart, your want to. I know. I know. Some of you don’t want to break up, but you know you should. You, my friend, have the want to to want to!

By God’s grace, desire became reality in my life. I tested God’s faithfulness by abandoning what could have been a great life with a good guy, and I waited for the Lord to bring me the man of my dreams. God did not fail me. As a matter of fact, He worked such an amazing miracle to unite me with my husband that I’ve chosen to include our story in my book, Single Woman Seeks Perfect Man: Facing the Consequences of Unhealthy Relationships. God’s amazing goodness compels me to share the not so secret formula with you.

To ensure a successful breakup, you must do three things:

First, gratefully accept that the yearning you have for a better future (and a better relationship) is a gift from God.

Scripture teaches that it is God who works in you to will and act according to His good purpose (Philippians 2:13). This means that the desire (and the strength) to wait the right way for your perfect match is a gift from God alone. You must believe that the want to in your heart was put there by God’s loving, gracious hand. Humbly welcome His spirit to continue convicting you, and allow those convictions to thrust you closer to The Gift Giver. Admit that unless Almighty God continues changing your heart, you will continue blindly and foolishly trying to make something so wrong (your present relationship) feel so right!

Next, you must grow your faith.

Without faith, you’ll never risk giving up Mr. Wrong (or Mr. Right) because faith is believing without seeing that God will bring you The One He has prepared for you to marry (Hebrews 11:1)! Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). This means, in order to build your faith, you must read your Bible. You must also pray. Why? Because while reading God’s Word is like allowing His light to shine through windows in your heart, prayer opens the front door and welcomes Him in completely. Faith is only one of the many good and perfect gifts He longs to bring you when He comes into your life (Ephesians 2:8-9). Be completely honest and consistent in your prayers. Begin now, right where you are, increasing your faith by coupling the reading of scripture with prayer. God promises to reward those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6).

Last, you must act!

Faith without works is dead. You may have heard it said the proof is in the pudding. For you, the proof is in your actions. If you say that you believe God’s plans for your life are better than your own, but your walk doesn’t match your talk, you lie. God waits for an excuse to bless you, but He will not bless disobedience. If God is urging you to break up, you must rely on His strength and do it.

The Lord says, I love those who love me, and those who love me obey me (John 14:23, Proverbs 17:8). Apart from God you can do nothing, but with God you must do something! Obey God and all will go well with you (Jeremiah 7:23). Live for God and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)! All things are possible through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13).

This means that for those of us who claim to be God’s children, breaking up might be hard to do, but not impossible. Wait a minute! I know it’s possible because with God’s help I did it, and you can too.

10 Tips: If the Buddha gave Dating Advice.

10 Tips: If the Buddha gave Dating Advice.

Hartwig HKD/Flickr



*Dear elephant reader: if you’re single & looking for mindful dating or conscious love, try out our lovely partner, MeetMindful.


If the Buddha Gave Dating Tips.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have the ancient wisdom of the Buddha to guide me through the dating process. I often refer to the book, If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path, by Charlotte Kasl, PhD, for my relationship-seeking needs.
Thing is, if the Buddha did give dating tips, they might be a little confusing to us modern-day folks. That’s why I’ve put together this CliffNotes version of Charlotte Kasl’s dating tips—each with helpful translations. Turns out, on the spiritual path, the dating tips or “rules” can be surprisingly simple.
1. “When you say goodbye to someone or decide not to see them again, remember you are a moment in their story. Make it a story that doesn’t leave a scar.” Translation: Do whatever it takes to leave on good terms.
2. “Equality doesn’t need to mean that both people earn the same amount of money, have equal status, or are equally good looking. It means they value each other as equals when it comes to making plans, making love or making decisions. They have an equal voice. One does not sacrifice himself, or herself, to the other.” Translation: Equality is not based on statistics. Equality is based on shared values, shared communication and shared self-respect.
3. “In an unequal relationship, because the subordinate mate acquiesces and complies, the dominant one is never challenged to reflect on him- or herself. There is little or no growth, flexibility, or melting into the shared heart—no forming of the “us” bond that brings two people into spiritual union.” Translation: In equal relationships both people are challenged to grow and evolve together, rather than one person always pushing for the other partner’s growth.
4. “Things are always changing—our thoughts, cells, hormones, hairline, consciousness, relationship and the landscape around us. Instead of trying to freeze the present moment and hanging onto it, we need to remember that life is a process of constantly letting go.” Translation: The only constant is change. Every present moment is a chance to embrace the newness and let go of the past.
5. “To be loyal to our journey is to know the rhythm, tone and pulse of our essential inner world—the song that is ours alone. When two people bring the richness of their inner music to each other, they bring the possibility of a new composition, of counterpoint, harmony, voices weaving together creating a magical composition. If we’re disconnected from the music of our essence and attempt to find happiness through another’s song, there will be dependency and a relationship without harmony.” Translation: We must be know and accept who we are fully before we enter a relationship, lest we end up in co-dependency. When two whole people join in a supportive relationship, the results can be magical.
6. “If we have the belief ‘I’ll always be abandoned,’ we create situations where we’ll be abandoned, and forget to notice when people are loyal friends. Our task on the spiritual path is to stop repeating the same old stories and become aware of all the ways we keep proving our stories are true.” Translation: Thoughts become things. Choose to reinvent your story for better results.
7. “We can either bargain, hold back, and hang onto comfort and security, or we can take a deep breath, and say take me, and leap into the fire.” Translation: The risk is often worth it, especially in love.
8. “There are so many dating books with numerous rules about the right thing to do and say when dating. On the spiritual path, the ‘rules’ are simple. Simply ask yourself, am I being guided by spirit or by my rigid ego?” Translation: Ego-driven actions love rules. Spirit needs no rules to guide us.
9. “Ego says I want someone to fill me up. Spirit says I’ll have someone to help me wake up, to challenge my blind spots and be a companion and playmate on the journey. Translation: If we believe and live as already-full beings, we don’t look to others to fulfill us.
10. “Another aspect of loving kindness is to remember that it’s not being free of imperfections that’s crucial to relationships, it’s being honest about our faults and mistakes. When we accept our humanness we become able to apologize (not grovel) for having been rude, insensitive, or dishonest. Our apology to another is a form of compassion to ourselves because it signifies acceptance. This is at the heart of intimacy.” Translation: By honestly accepting our faults and mistakes and apologizing with sincerity, we practice compassion towards ourselves and others.


If you're in the dating game you need to know that the goalposts have moved. The good news is that it's to your advantage...if you know how to play by the new rules.
In sex, just like sports, it pays to play by the rules. But sometimes the rules just aren’t working. In football, o„fficials moved the restraining line from the 30-yard line to the 35, with the intention of increasing touchbacks. And in basketball, o„fficials dumped the no-dunk rule after fans complained that it made play less exciting. Well, now it’s time to dump some obsolete dating rules, too...if you want to win. Play by these new rules and you’ll score again and again.
OLD: Checking women out.
NEW: Women checking men out.

● Think your zipper’s undone? It’s not. Women are just busy ogling what’s on offer. “Most women would probably say they don’t stare at men’s bodies in the same way men do women, but they’re mistaken,” says sex therapist Ian Kerner, author ofShe Comes First. Using eye-tracking technology, scientists from the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction found that women are actually more likely to have wandering eyes than men. Women not only spent less time looking at a man’s face (when compared with men looking at women); they also moved more quickly onto his other body parts. 
Just don’t make the false assumption that you have a get-out-of-jail-free card to start doing the same. “Women like to be admired, not ogled,” says Pam Spurr, author of Steamy Sex: The Sex Doctor’s Guide To Keeping It Hot. “So take in her breasts or legs, but don’t dwell on them.” And make the most of your assets, too. “Wear well-fitting shirts, and don’t be shy about using your jeans to show off whatever nature gave you.”
OLD: Online dating.
NEW: Mobile dating.

● Online dating made it easy to cast a wide dating net. Trouble is, you’d end up hooking a lot of fish you had no appetite for. Mobile dating apps allow you to see who’s online and in the vicinity, improving your chances of landing a really good catch. It also means every night is “date night.” So the way it used to work—with time to plan what you’d wear, where you’d take her, and so on—has changed. 
Be ever ready. Keep a change of clothes at work, along with some deodorizing wipes and mouthwash, because who knows what’s in store. “Sometimes women, like men, drop their standards so they can get what they want sooner,” Kerner says. “So if a gorgeous woman is on the hunt for a date and you can respond quickly, you might strike it lucky with a woman who’s actually way out of your league.

What To Say To A Woman On Your First Date

What To Say To A Woman On Your First Date

What to say to a woman on your first dateYou never get a second chance to make a first impression… and it’s never more true than when it comes to first dates.
Yet, knowing this, what do most guys do the first time they take a woman out?
They approach a first date from the perspective of “I don’t want to mess up.” So they try too hard. They overthink things. They get tongue-tied or talk too much or freeze up.
Worst of all… their insecurity and desperation makes everything they do come across as awkward, needy, or boring.
So what’s the answer? How do you go into a first date feeling confident, in-control, and ready to say and do everything right?
Like everything else in life, it takes is a little preparation… and your old friend David D. is here to help you cram for the exam.
The key to acing any first date boils down to just one thing: making sure that everything you say and do tells a woman that you have OTHER OPTIONS… that you’re making a choice about HER as much as she is about YOU.
Thing is, you can’t begin to send that message until you eliminate the BIGGEST mistake that most men make on first dates…

Don’t Be Boring

A first date isn’t a job interview or a press conference.
Problem is, most guys treat it that way. They think that if they play it safe by asking the same old questions, they might succeed with a woman by not doing anything wrong.
And that’s understandable… it’s only natural to feel a bit nervous and insecure. So we stick with safe, boring, predictable conversations and questions like, “So what do you do for a living?” or “Have you lived around here long?” or “What are your hobbies?”
Even worse, we launch into questions that reek of neediness and desperation… “So, how do you think it’s going?” Or “Do you think we’re a good match?” Or worst of all: “Do you like me?”
These questions are the most lethal ATTRACTION KILLERS on the planet.
So stop using them immediately.
What do you need to talk about instead?
Things that spark INTEREST and ATTRACTION in a woman, signaling that you’re that one-in-a-million guy she’s looking for who can make her life more FUN.
Here’s a surefire way to get started on the right path:

Adopt The Right Mindset

Nothing’s more powerful than adopting a mindset on a first date that “lowers the stakes.”
Stop thinking of her as an unattainable goddess, or your future wife, or your last chance for happiness in life. When you do that, you’re setting the bar so high that you can’t help but feel nervous… and therefore make mistakes.
Instead, imagine that she’s nothing more than your bratty little sister.
Basically, act like she’s someone that annoys you, bothers you, and will probably screw up her chances with YOU… and that you couldn’t care less. Like, if she walked out the door, you’d be on to the next woman in about five minutes (because, with my help, you WILL be.)
Keep a fun spirit about this, of course.
But once you adopt this mindset, magical things start to happen.
You instantly feel more relaxed and in-control… which frees your mind (and your tongue) to stop screwing things up with boring, desperate conversation she hears from every other guy… which then makes you stand out as a guy she wants to spend more time with.

The Keys To Sparking ATTRACTION

Once you know how to create fun, interesting conversations… being Cocky & Funny… enjoying yourself… not trying to impress a woman… you will effortlessly spark feelings of ATTRACTION in a woman that she’s helpless to resist (and will move mountains to get more of).
Here are a few of my favorite ways to do it…
Tease Her to Please HerTEASE HER
The greatest sign of confidence in a man is his ability to take control of a situation – and the best way to do it is with humor.
So go for it.
If a woman happens to be wearing something unusual or interesting on the date, or if she orders something weird to eat, or if she makes a mistake or acts shy, tease her about it.
Be gentle and make sure it’s funny, and she’ll instantly feel a spark.
What makes you notice something?
It’s when something’s different. So create that difference right from the start with a woman by reversing roles on a date.
Ask her to open doors and pull out your chair for you. Ask why she can’t pick up the check like all of the women who ask you out always do. Invite yourself back to HER place.
Doing just this much sets you apart as a guy who is interesting and DIFFERENT.
This one’s money in the bank – nothing makes a woman sit up and take notice like your lack of interest in her.
So explain that her you’re tired of always talking about yourself with women. Ask her to tell an interesting story about herself instead (Bonus: you’ve now transferred the pressure to HER.) Check your watch and unleash a funny yawn while she’s talking about some other guy. Cut the date short because you’ve got somewhere else to be.
All of this will make her go out of her way to win YOU over.
While we’re on the subject…
This is the big one…
Women don’t want doormats. And the quickest way to prove you’re NOT one is to make her work for your attention.
Whenever she asks a question, be difficult or evasive in a funny way. Make her dig for every answer that you give her.
Be sure to let her know that you have a lot to do and very little time, so you’re not sure when you’ll see her again.
Do all this in a cocky, funny way, and you’ll accomplish two critical first-date goals:
You’ll makes a woman curious about you – chances are, she has NEVER seen a guy act like this on a first date before.
You’ll excite her and gets her craving more… like I said, the biggest thing missing from her life is FUN – now you’re showing her that you can deliver it.
In other words, make sure that everything you say and do on a first date communicates the opposite of “I’m a nervous, needy Wuss just like every other guy you go out with.”
Once you learn how to do it, it will blow your mind how women hang on your every word… how they get all nervous around YOU… and (most importantly) how they start begging you for a SECOND DATE.
Sound good?
If so, then you need to know that this is really just the tip of the iceberg…
To close the deal with a great woman from your approach to the first date… through getting physical… to creating a great relationship and beyond… I’m proud to have literally written the book on the subject.

90 percent of people using online dating sites lied about their height, weight, or age. Here are a few more things men tend to lie about when online.

90 percent of people using online dating sites lied about their height, weight, or age. Here are a few more things men tend to lie about when online.
His Job
Oh? You're about to go out with a good-looking CEO of a booming start-up? Don't be surprised if that means he has a great idea for an app and is working out of his parents' garage. Most men have a tendency to inflate their titles or responsibilities in order to impress women. It's not a great idea to ask about his salary, but a safe bet is to ask about his title and how large a company he works for. CEO is very impressive, but not if the company is him and his dog.
His Intention
Just because a man is on a dating site does not mean he's looking for a long-term relationship. In fact, if you're on Tinder, you should assume that the guy is trying to get laid and be pleasantly surprised when it turns out he wants to date you. Aside from certain apps like Heavenly Sinful, where you're explicitly asked to say whether you want to hook up or date, the guy's intention is often unknown.
His Height
On average, guys will say they are two inches taller than they actually are, and will assume you're not going to bring a tape measure to the first date. If you're curious, you can wait until his wallet's open while paying for (at least his share) of the bill and say, "Oh! Let me see the photo on your driver's license. Mine is horrible." There, as clear as day, is his height (no one cares enough to lie to the DMV).
His Weight
Men (well, everyone) will post photos of themselves from when they are looking their physical best. So if you show up on date number one and the guy is looking twenty pounds overweight, don't be shocked. If you're lucky it may go the other way; he may have just recovered from breaking up with his long-term girlfriend and lost the gut men tend to accrue when they no longer feel they need to impress their partner. Now that he's single he wants to look great. But the pessimist in me leans toward warning you that he may be a bit heavier than you imagined.
His Worldliness
He may say he loves to travel but that doesn't guarantee he's ever left the United States. He may say he knows a lot about wine but that might just mean he knows that he likes Pinot Noir. Don't assume anything based on the guy's stated hobbies or interests; just like his job description it is likely inflated and made to sound more sophisticated than it actually is.
His Relationship Status
I hate to say it, but even if a guy makes himself available on a dating site it doesn't necessarily mean he's there to seriously date. Single can mean anything from "haven't had a girlfriend in five years and looking for sex" to "newly divorced and sad." There are men who are going through a break-up (but it's not quite over with their gf) or are in an open relationship and they are on these sites because it seems innocent enough, but they are not emotionally available to be with you.
His Age
One of the most common lies on dating profiles is a man fibbing about his age. More often than not he's likely older than he is. If you're in your early twenties and a man says he's 29 there's a chance he might actually be a 35 year-old who knows you would never date someone more than ten years your senior. If that's your thing though, then search for men in that age range... but hope they're not in their 40s.

Easy dating tips for shy guys

Easy dating tips for shy guys

Easy dating tips for shy guys. Image courtesy: Thinkstock Photos/Getty ImagesEasy dating tips for shy guys. Image courtesy: Thinkstock Photos/Getty Images
Most shy men think dating is not for them, but that's about to change.

Most shy men tend to take too much pressure of making too much of an effort when out on a date. And most don't even think that they can find a date because they are too unsure of how it will go. But there are very simple tips that can change that for you.

Choose wisely And by that we don't mean the girl, well of course you should, but if you are asking out a girl, go to a place which you are comfortable and familiar with. A familiar setting will help you be relaxed and more focused on her. Also make sure it is an informal setting so that you can be yourself.

Take conversation backups It is okay if you find yourself out of words or conversation ideas. That happens with most introvert people. So you can think of some nice conversation ideas and work on them beforehand. But don't make them like a speech. Take interest in all of them and make sure she is interested as well.

Drink a little We all know that drinking a little can make things more relaxed and more open. So go for a couple of drinks, and only as much as you can sincerely handle. Go for something light which will bring the best out of you.

Take it easy And the most important tip is to take it really easy. When the right girl comes across, everything will just simply flow and you will not have to make extra efforts.

      5 Topics to Avoid on a First Date

      5 Topics to Avoid on a First Date

       Have you ever been gabbing along and suddenly seen the light in your date’s eyes fade…? You wonder ‘what did I say?’ and quickly replay the last five minutes of conversation, struggling to discover the origin of offense. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Most of us have at one time or another stuck the proverbial foot in mouth.
      For those returning in the dating game – especially those in the 50 plus dating world – knowing which topics are PC and which aren’t can be daunting. Below are five topics to avoid on a first date.
      1. Your past relationship / marriage.
        While this is a fine – and necessary – topic once you’re more intimately acquainted, your date should feel like he or she is the focus of your evening – not the ghost of a past relationship.
      2. Problems with kids and family.
        Again, this is too much, too soon. Complaining about relatives (even when warranted) can make you seem critical and stodgy on a first date. Let your partner get to know you better before unloading familial drama.
      3. People unfamiliar to your date.
        This is probably good advice for any conversation: Limit discussion of unknown third parties to a few minutes or less. Obviously, there are exceptions to the rule (funny stories, relevant anecdotes, celebrities, etc.), but by and large, people aren’t interested in people they don’t know
      4. Political and religious viewpoints.
        This should be self-explanatory. It’s just rude to pull out the soapbox in front of someone you just met. Your date can’t disagree with you without being "disagreeable." Politics and religion are very important discussions to have… later.
      5. Money.
        Talking about finances – both positively and negatively – is very off-putting to most people. And never, ever, complain about the cost of the date if you’re the one paying. It makes the other person feel like you regret taking them out.
      While no topic should be off-limits in a committed relationship, don’t pull the big guns out in the beginning. Get to know one another gradually. Think of an onion: peel away the layers, but save the juicy stuff for later

      The change may happen very quickly, perhaps over the course of a couple days, or in many cases it could have taken much longer...
      Either way, you did *something* that caused your lover to go into a state of uncertainty...   It could have been something you said that conflicted on a very deep level with your partner, and made them think you weren't worthy of their love and affection.
      Figure 4. "The Switch" is a natural stage when one partner becomes unsure about the relationship. It could feel like they have become 'hot and cold' or 'moody'. And if something isn't done quickly, the relationship will eventually progress into the 'Drift' stage.
      And when it happened, you might have felt like you were being 'tested' because your lover was no longer sure about being with you.
      This stage is called "The Switch".   And when your relationship decays to this stage, your partner loses their 'Bliss Blindness' and becomes much more critical of your imperfections.
      The actions your partner used tothink were cute or sweet have now become a major turn-off.
      It might seem like the harder you try, the more distant your partner becomes.
      What used to make your partner laugh, now annoys them.  The hobbies you once enjoyed, are no longer interesting.
      And it's often frustrating when you realize the shocking truth...
      The same things your partner LOVED in Bliss, push them AWAY in Switch!
      That's why most people NEVER get their ex back... Even if you show how much you truly care... And it's not because sharing your feelings is bad...
      It's because...

      When I realized this, it was like a light bulb went off in my head... 
      Once your relationship enters a new stage of the breakup, their needs and desires will CHANGE.
      That's why the first step and KEY to getting your partner back is to figure out which stage your partner is in.  
      Once you figure out the stage, you'll know which 'button' rewinds the relationship.
      In other words, you'll know which contact method will work best (i.e. a phone call, a text message, or maybe a written letter) and you'll knowwhat to say to make your partner start missing you again.
      Relationship Rewind is not a magic trick.
      It's a simple plan you follow, based on the exact stage of your relationship. It's designed for both men and women, and it's compatible with all 4 stages of relationship decay.
      ...And I'm quite proud that it's the only system that can do this.
      To find out what stage your partner is in right now, enter your name and email address in the form below. You'll receive our complimentary 9-Part Relationship Rewind Starter Kit delivered straight to your inbox, just as soon as you click the yellow button: